I lied down on my bed last night, trying to sleep. Like any other night, I was wondering, what did I do today?
I get up in the morning, feel a bit dizzy. It's probably because I didn't have enough sleep in the night, thinking of what I was doing in day time. I can't think of anything worthwhile. I was just going to work, went home, sleeping and doing the same thing the next day. It was so boring. It's meaningless. It was like if I didn't present at my life, it wouldn't make any difference. It's just a monotonous routine that I have to be doing everyday.
I want to do something else. I want to be worthwhile. I want to have passion in what I am doing. I want to love my work. I want to live in it. I want to get up every morning, think of how exciting it would be to do my work. I want to meet people, to talk, to have a chat, to deal business, to help others, to be alive. Not just sitting all day in front of computer that didn't talk back to me. I want to dress nice every day, knowing that I did something to my life that touches someone else's life. I don't want to live only for myself; I want to live for others. I want to be rich not only for myself, I want to be rich for others.
Every night, I thought, I haven't done anything for anyone else today. I was thinking if judgment day came and god takes my book of life to be measured; will god find any goodness in my life? Will my book of life weights to the right? Or will it drop down to the left at the lowest level and then I'll be sent right to hell? I am so scared, I’m terrified, but instead of changing, I am doing exactly the same as the day before. It was very depressing, knowing that you should have done something to your life but didn’t have the courage or chance to do it.
Sometimes I wish I was a doctor, a surgeon. That would make my life worth living. I will live everyday, passing every second worthwhile. I will be able to help others, trying to save lives. Although I hate biology and chemical, but at least there is something nice and meaningful in the work I am doing. Unlike the job I am doing right now, I am not so “into” IT but I am working as a programmer. A job that isn’t useful for others. Oh dear, do I sound grumpy?
I want to be worthwhile.. Not important, but worthwhile...
